Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
