i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
