So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
