If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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