did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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