Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
