Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
