The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
