he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
