I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
