I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
