well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
