What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
