yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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