I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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