my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
