OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
