I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
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This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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