It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
