3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
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you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
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