i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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