the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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