Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
