im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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