Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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