she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
