Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
