I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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