the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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