I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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