Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize