'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
