Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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