the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
only you would photoshop your dick
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
