I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
