At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
