I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Let's get the cat blown out
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
