Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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