life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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