Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
