My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
