i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
