I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
