Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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