My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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