Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
