She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
