i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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