I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
