1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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