I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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