just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
