I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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