My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
