I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i will never coherently bang her
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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