you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
