I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
