just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
